What does a Feminist wedding Look Like? Why Do Women Do the Same Old Same Old?

by Casey Ditter

If Elizabeth Gilbert can get (re)married without the white dress, why not feminists? In her new book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, Ms. Gilbert discusses her decision to tackle the institution for a second time in spite of her reservations. She also laments the fact that so many young women fall in love with the idea of having a fantasy wedding and forget to discuss everything else - issues like children, housework, and money - with their future husbands.But feminists don't usually fall into the wide-eyed, wedding-obsessed lot. If they decide to get married, they carefully consider the meanings behind traditions like the white dress and being announced as Mr. and Mrs. His Name. They put their foot down when relatives frown upon any attempt to deviate too much from the norm or make a political statement...don't they?

Not really.

As far as "feminist weddings" go, it's every woman for herself. There are no books on the topic, and on the web there are only a few blog posts by women who dared to be different and talk about it. How could the feminist movement have bypassed the opportunity to make an issue out of one of the most important rites of passage in the U.S. and worldwide? I was so surprised and frustrated at this state of affairs that I created a site to research and discuss how feminists might reconcile their convictions about equality with their desire to have a wedding.

Women Plan:  Men Show up

As with many aspects of society, the highly symbolic wedding ceremony is steeped in patriarchal history and tradition. It can also set the tone for many marriages, as well as the gender relations and behaviors within them. The bride and other women are often expected to do the majority of the wedding planning and appear picture-perfect on the big day, while the men just need to "show up." A seemingly innocuous division of labor thus begins the marriage and ushers each person into their roles-- fulfilling their culturally-assigned gender norms of femininity and masculinity.

Mrs. Nobody

The issue of last names has, at least, been discussed by the feminist movement, but not nearly enough in my view. It is 2010 and most women, even with a large divorce rate, are still taking their husbands' names excitedly. I shudder when I hear newly married couples announced as Mr. and Mrs. His Name. Where did she go? I wonder. It seems quaint that women are still often labeled by their marital status while men are not.

The road has yet to be paved by feminists willing to make new wedding traditions that they can be proud of and pass on to the next generation. It is not easy to envision a feminist wedding or find help with planning one. But I hope that feminists will fight the pressure by more traditional family members to not make a fuss and use their wedding day to shake things up a bit. Educate your captive audience on the trappings of gender and how it is possible to liberate the tradition of the wedding without throwing it aside entirely. Provide an alternative for the younger guests who only see stereotyped images of weddings on television and in movies. And please share your experiences - the highs and the lows - with others so they will be encouraged to do the same at their weddings. The personal can be political once again!

DID YOU ESCAPE ANY OF THIS? PLEASE SHARE YOUR STORY OF UNTRADITIONAL WEDDING PRACTICES IN THE COMMENTS.

www.feministwedding.com

On the site, you can download a non-traditional planning checklist that helps you escape the hard-to-shake antiquated traditions of the past.

photo:  Lukasz Dunikowski

dress:  http://www.evening-dresses.eu/pid,560,product.html