Military Sexual Trauma: A Veteran Tells How History Repeats Itself and The Truth Stays Hidden

It has been 22 years since I was discharged from the Navy.  But now current headlines dare speak of the secrets we kept from others and even ourselves at times, and show that our history repeats itself.

This is the hidden truth of MST (military sexual trauma).  The fears we felt and the shame we hid from others are outlined in stories depicting sexual harassment, rape and assault all kept to ourselves lest we dare to betray our service.  My story is one that can be found in those headlines because it is the story of many who have served this great nation while experiencing great personal trauma and turmoil.  It lives in history, it breathes in the day-to-day operations—yet hides from the citizens we protect.  Once in a while MST is too big of a story to keep secret, but  I-- and too many others-- know those stories are but a small piece in the history of this hidden truth.

During my first tour of duty, I worked near the nation’s capital.  There were two or three women among more than forty higher-ranking male personnel.  Most were much older --I had just turned 18 when I reported for duty.  Boot camp had prepared me to listen, perform and never ever question a superior.  It was there that I first experienced what that can mean for some men and women (it happens to both) who enter the United States Military.  Yes, there was great pride, honor and a strong sense of duty, but for me there was also a deep dark secret to be kept.  I did my duty so well I kept the secret from myself for many years after I was discharged. 

There was a superior who in the Navy would often be referred to as a “sea daddy”.  I was young, barely an adult.  To me, at age 18 that meant he looked after and mentored me.  For him I believe it meant that I returned the favor.  It wasn’t a straightforward exchange; it was planned, built on and initiated at just the right time.  Something I didn’t see coming and only a seasoned member of the military could have executed and gotten away with.  His plan:  make her feel safe with me and then and only then begin to expect favors that she will be too afraid to tell anyone about.  These were no ordinary favors, they were things that I had not yet done in my young life.  I would be forever tainted by the calculated and amoral behavior of a superior officer.  To put it bluntly, they were sexual favors that were not exchanged, only performed on him.  In them lies a lifetime of shame and guilt for not being strong enough to resist or figure out the plan until it was too late. 

This manipulation continued for three years during which time there was another trauma.  A civilian I knew who was much older repeated a shortened version of the same plan except this was violent and sexually invasive.  This time I did try to report the sexual trauma I endured, but the JAG (Judge Advocate General) officer unofficially told me not to pursue the rape because I would be the one who paid the biggest price.  One of the ways  my attacker scared me into submissiveness was to provide evidence that he had been imprisoned for murder.  Even knowing this, the JAG said I was the one who would be viewed badly.  I didn’t know it then, but today his opinion no longer makes sense.  On the advice of JAG I did not report being raped and was now even more scared than ever to tell about the superior who was sexually abusing me.  I locked it up inside and never told anyone until 1999 when I was talking to a counselor about the rape.  I was telling her about the civilian who had raped me and yet another incident that occurred at my next duty station, The Panama Canal.  Two civilians isolated me downtown and attempted to rape me; I did manage to get away that time before they were able to complete the act.  Once again I was advised to leave it alone and forget it. 

It was immediately after seeing the counsellor that I unlocked the abuse I experienced by my superior.  My first thought as I left the appointment was “why didn’t you tell her about the Master Chief”.  Right then, after many years had passed I realized I was ignoring the most traumatizing situation, hiding the truth even from myself.  The Master Chief was not my friend, he was my abuser.  All those years I was ashamed of my behavior and willingness, but too young and naive to realize I was not a willing participant.  I was a victim who was tricked and made to believe this is the way things were supposed to be.  That this was a normal relationship, and everyone did things they didn’t want to do in order to stay in the military and serve their Country. 

I have noticed over the years that when reading about MST, the only stories I heard about were the situations society would instantly know were immoral and obviously violent.  I could have focused on that with the civilian who raped and attempted to rape me, but I would have been leaving out the biggest secret of all.  If the military didn’t want me to report a man who had served time for murder or a couple of insignificant Panamanian civilians, then what would they have said if I reported a decorated and high ranking enlisted man for his own immoral behavior? 

Today, I wonder how many hidden truths history could tell and how many will become history before we as a society say it is enough.  Only then can we truly heal as a society and as individuals.  The hidden shame can be forever lifted from the lives of those who were truly honored to serve their country and who have nothing to be ashamed of because they did nothing wrong.  God Bless all who serve and served, and may God have mercy on those who dishonor the vast majority who gallantly wear the uniform of the United States of America.

Disabled Veteran Valerie K. Cortazzo is a member of  Operation Firing for Effect, Veterans for Veterans Connection, Rolling Thunder PA Chapter 4, and Disabled American Veterans.