Tiger Mother vs. Mama Bear-A parenting conundrum

by Evelyn Block

Yale law professor Amy Chua’s controversial memoir of extreme parenting Chinese style has touched many nerves.

Excerpted in the Wall Street Journal, in Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother Chua, whose children are now teenagers, explains how she prohibited play dates, sleepovers and any grade less than an A. She tells how she rejected her young daughters' handmade birthday cards, demanding better ones, and how she once called her older daughter "garbage" for behaving disrespectfully. Chua threatened to burn her daughter's stuffed animals if she failed to perform a piano piece perfectly. She raised two high achieving daughters while never allowing her mother-in-law to spend a single day with one of her granddaughters because "I never had a full day for them to spare. The girls barely had time as it was to do their homework, speak Chinese with their tutor, and practice their instruments."

Some have accused Chua of cruelty while others applaud her. We are reminded that academically Americans rate highest on confidence and perform poorly compared to Asian nations in reading, math and science. At the same time, China has the highest rate of female suicide in the world and Asian-American adolescent girls have the highest rates of depressive symptoms compared to all racial and gender groups.

Perhaps the real issue isn’t whether one agrees or disagrees with Chua’s parenting style. Maybe the key is that every parent needs to remember the concept of “goodness of fit.” Chua’s style may have been effective for her girls; one has to wonder what adjustments she might have made if her child had a learning disability or was simply rebellious. Happiness is a state of being; unlike academic achievement there is no measure to determine where Chua’s children fall on the happiness scale, or whether Chua herself experiences the joy that comes with recognizing and celebrating the individuality and uniqueness of each and every child. When did we agree to replace childhood with achievement training?

Each parent walks the tightrope between demanding too much from their child and accepting too little. For most parents, especially when dealing with teens, that place is constantly moving and changing and being consistently right on target is elusive. Chua’s parenting style likely would never allow her child to fail; yet failure and the natural consequences that follow are life lessons for teens.

Responses from individuals raised in families similar to Chua’s indicate that the sometimes Chua’s method is highly successful and other times it destroys the child’s sense of self just as too much coddling enables some children to never try and others to thrive on being indulged. Lac Su, a psychologist, business executive and the author of I Love Yous are for White People says that while he appears successful on the outside he would “trade every last bit of my success in life to live without the deep wounds given to me by a Tiger Mother”.

The key to successful parenting may be getting the balance discipline, guidance, nurturing and love just right. Rather than trying to raise perfect children in an imperfect world, each parent needs to do their best to listen and know their child. No one formula or parenting style works best, perhaps the important thing to remember is a parent’s job is to allow each individual child to become the person he or she wants to be.